Venomism: The Lie Women Tell About Women
- Lindsay
- 13 hours ago
- 7 min read
Updated: 2 hours ago
I first wrote about this in 2018 before I ever worked in a female dominated industry. My belief on this topic remains unchanged.
I don’t subscribe to the belief that men are easier to work with, females create drama, or girls are harder than boys. I don’t see other women as the enemy. I don’t see other women as my competition.
No, I’m not naive. I’ve personally been on the receiving end of real, calculated cruelty from females throughout my life. In fact, even as I write this, I can’t help but be reminded of a recent experience that felt like next-level cruelty. Not the obvious, undeniable kind. Not even the passive-aggressive kind. The super subtle kind that’s protected by how “nice” someone appears, making it harder to name and even harder to prove.
But even with those experiences, I refuse to let them define an entire gender. If anything, I sway the other direction. I tend to give women the benefit of the doubt, but I believe it’s because I’m aware of how easily we’re conditioned to compete with each other and expect the worst from each other. Which is what led me to believe something deeper is actually happening. I’ve named it:
Venomism: the toxic, often unintentional, habit of women reinforcing harmful narratives about other women.
This isn’t about blaming women. It’s about recognizing how easily we often unknowingly participate in a narrative that ultimately works against us.
Questions To Consider
When I hear women say things like “men are easier to work with” or refer to women as catty, bitchy, or difficult, I feel confused. I find myself wondering...
What are they really saying?
Is this a confession?
Are they trying to tell me something?
Because…who exactly are they talking about?
There’s no middle ground in a statement like that. She’s actually taking a position. Because if women are inherently hard to work with, create drama, or act “catty” then every woman must exist somewhere within that claim…including the woman saying it.
Here’s a question to consider/ponder/evaluate if you stand behind these claims:
Do you see yourself as the exception or as the rule?
The Exception: You’re a special and very rare female. You’re the only reasonable one in the room. You’re grounded, not dramatic, and somehow escaped the defect that plagues the other roughly four billion women in the world.
The Rule: You own it and accept the stereotype entirely. You’re naturally harder to work with, difficult, catty, bitchy. And so is your mother, grandmother, your sister, your daughter, your girlfriends, and so on.
Which one is it? Because it can’t be both.
If you feel like you’re neither the exception nor the rule after reading those options, but have made these types of comments, the next question to ask is:
Are you going along with the script because social conformity is
much more comfortable than challenging the stereotype?
The Stories We Tell
I’m not delusional. I’m not suggesting women are perfect. I’ve met women who are terrible humans…shady ones, judgmental ones, manipulative ones, pathetic ones. But here’s the thing. I’ve met just as many men—if not more—who are horrible humans…chauvinist ones, spiteful ones, condescending ones, straight up walking red flags.
The difference isn’t the behavior, it’s the story we tell about it.
You see this often in the workplace. When a woman is difficult, she somehow represents an entire group and then you’ll often hear, “This is why I don’t like working with women.” But when a man is difficult, he’s usually just… a difficult man.
Same behavior.
Different conclusion.
One gets individualized.
The other gets generalized.
And this is just one of the ways Venomism sustains itself. Not because it’s accurate, but because it feels true in the moment, and we rarely stop to question it.
Labeling Men
I went through a brief "man-hater" phase in my younger years, referring to men as dishonest, manipulative jerks. It didn't take me too long to recognize my generalization was ridiculous. When I shared this with men, they were incredibly insulted. They didn’t agree with me. They didn’t join in. They didn’t help me stereotype their entire gender. They recognized and voiced the absurdity of the generalization…
So. When. Will. We?
The Sisterhood Tribe Belief
So why do we recognize the absurdity of generalizing men but accept it when it comes to women? It often starts with the high expectations we place on the "sisterhood." I heard a psychologist on a podcast who stated that, psychologically, we view other women as part of our tribe. We carry an unspoken belief that women should treat each other better and be safer because they can relate to each other.
When that expectation is violated and a woman excludes, undermines, or betrays us, it doesn’t just feel like a disagreement. It feels like treason. This creates cognitive dissonance: the psychological discomfort of expecting “sisterhood” but receiving sabotage. To resolve that pain, we look for the simplest explanation possible. Instead of thinking "this individual hurt me," we generalize the hurt and tell ourselves and others that “this is just what women are like.” It’s a mental shortcut to explain the pain, even though it distorts the truth.
The Double Standard
We see the evidence of this in the massive double standards we apply to public and private scandals. We watch women get cannibalized for their mistakes while the men involved are granted the grace of being individuals who simply "messed up."
Take the recent interview Oprah did with Kristin Cabot. When she was caught on camera with her boss, she became a target for a level of hate, cruelty, and harassment he didn't experience on his end. Kristin noted that the most vicious harassment came from other women.
It’s the same logic behind the "homewrecker" label used almost exclusively to discredit women. It takes two people to cheat, but we’ve been conditioned to blame the woman. A similar situation is in the work environment when a woman gets accused of sleeping her way to the top. Have you ever heard of a man being accused of sleeping his way to the top?
The Black Sheep Effect
Maybe you’ve heard about the Black Sheep Effect. This definitely fuels Venomism. We tend to judge “rule-breakers” within our own group more harshly than outsiders. Not necessarily because we’re cruel, but because it feels personal. Their choices don’t just reflect on them… they feel like they reflect on all of us. Some common examples are working moms vs. stay-at-home moms, breastfeeding vs. formula, judgement toward childfree women.
On the surface, it looks like disagreement. Underneath, it’s something deeper: identity, validation, and the fear of getting it wrong. So instead of sitting with that discomfort, we create distance. We judge. We label. We separate ourselves from the woman who chose differently in an attempt to reassure ourselves that we’re still on the “right” side.
It’s another way Venomism sustains itself. Not because women are the problem, but because we’ve been taught through culture, expectations, and each other that there’s only one way to be “right.”
The “Cool Girl” Currency: A Survival Tactic
Another example of how Venomism sustains itself is “The Cool Girl”...a type of woman I’ve become skeptical of and guarded with over the years. The ‘Cool Girl” claims that "all my friends are guys" or "I just get along better with the guys."
It’s true that some friendships are genuinely easier, but I always wonder if that claim is sometimes a social currency. If it’s actually an attempt to align with those who most likely hold the most power.
Because if women are labeled as dramatic, difficult, or catty… it makes sense that some women would instinctively try to step outside of that category. Not because they fully believe it, but because it’s safer not to be grouped into it.
I saw a quote recently that said, “When you lobby for your own oppression, you don’t get exempted from it. You become the most efficient instrument of it.” I believe there’s a lot of truth in that.
The Cost of The Narrative
My personal theory is this: When a woman generalizes women as inherently difficult, she’s actually expressing a strong bias against the very group she belongs to. The statement implies that ALL, or at least most, women are manipulative, petty, or difficult. It’s a false generalization that comes at a cost. The cost of normalizing the idea that being born a female is the problem.
It shapes how we see ourselves.
It shows up in how women see other women as competition.
It lowers the standard for how we expect to be treated and how we treat each other.
Venomism isn’t always loud. Sometimes it sounds like a harmless comment, a joke, a passing observation we never stop to examine. But over time, those small moments add up.
I saw this irony clearly in a graduate course on a day we were learning and discussing microaggressions. The instructor, a woman, referred to former female students who voiced their opposing political opinions as “angry, wet cats.” In a space meant to challenge bias, she was unknowingly reinforcing it by attempting to silence current students (all female) by negatively labeling women who had strong opinions and strong voices.
I say all of this without judgment because I’ve contributed through complicity. I’ve stayed quiet in moments where challenging the narrative felt too exhausting. And while I do believe that no response is a response, I also know that sometimes silence becomes participation. I am proud to report I did confront the instructor about her comments.
The Truth
Difficult behavior isn’t gendered. It’s human. It’s situational. It’s shaped by insecurity, environment, and power—not biology. Disrespect, judgement, and bullying are not gender-blind traits.
We don’t have to like all women, but we should acknowledge that..
Women are not inherently catty.
Women are not inherently difficult.
Women are human.
Females shouldn’t have to grow up believing our gender is an obstacle to overcome.
Final Thoughts
I’ve been blessed with incredible women in my life—personally and professionally. I’ve worked with and for more women than men. And despite unfair treatment I’ve experienced from some women in my 45 years, I refuse to make women the enemy. I love genuine, kind-hearted, secure women with strong voices and I always will. And I feel the same way about men.
The Real Question
So, the real question isn’t whether women are difficult, it's:
Why has society become so comfortable believing that we are?
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