Why We Chose Otherhood: Embracing a Child-Free Life

Originally posted on August 16, 2019

I'm an anomalous person. This is a discovery made within minutes of meeting me. One of the most common questions people ask when meeting someone is, "Do you have kids?" The uncommon answer is, "No, we don't." This is how people discover I'm an anomaly - not like the rest. We're child-free by choice. Sometimes I put the information out there immediately. Either way it usually creates an atmosphere of discomfort.

Different makes most people uncomfortable. I know because I'm different and have experienced the awkward silence hundreds of times. It's not awkward for me - at least not anymore. As of 2014, 15% of women ages 40-44 had not had children. I'm not 40, but I'm close and my husband and I have chosen to be child-free. I have sensed our lifestyle is one that is often up for debate. Sometimes people are just curious about it, sometimes intrusive, and sometimes downright judgmental.

When people ask if we have kids or if I offer it up first, I get asked many follow-up questions. When people ask my husband and he tells them we don't, the conversation stops there. He doesn't get follow-up questions. I still find this very interesting. I'm open about my decision to remain child-free and have decided to share the most common follow-up responses and why we chose "Otherhood."

The "Responses"

“Do you not like kids?”

I love kids! Sometimes I think I love them more than some people who have them! At get-togethers, it's not uncommon to see me hanging with the kids. Talking about adulting for too long is too much for me. I prefer to escape from the realities that come with adulting. I’m an old soul with an imagination of a young child.

“Does your husband want kids?”

No, it’s one of the reasons we’re perfect for each other. We knew this long before we were married because we were friends many years before we were married. Honestly, I didn’t expect to get married because I wasn’t sure what the likelihood was of finding a guy who didn’t want kids. “Oh, you have time!”For what? To continue NOT thinking about having kids?

“You’ll change your mind”

Maybe (insert shoulder shrug with head nod and eyebrow raise), but probably not. There was one time I considered it. I was drunk. History supports I have made very few good intoxicated decisions.

“Having kids is the best thing ever!”

I’m glad you feel that way especially for their well-being!

“Who’s going to take care of you when you’re old?”

People I pay with the 401k I’ve been building since my mid-twenties. I personally believe that’s not a reason to bring a child into the world. But seriously, do people really mean that or are they joking? Asking for myself. Really want to know.

“You and Seth would make great parents!” 

I still make jokes about this and play it off as I’m too childlike myself to have kids, but the truth is I believe we would be good parents. But - just because you CAN doesn’t mean you HAVE to.

What do your parents think? 

1) It doesn’t matter, but…  2) they support(ed) the decisions we make for OUR lives.

What do his parents think? 

1) It doesn’t matter, but… 

2) I think they’re ok with it.

Passive Aggressive Responses

"Aren’t good Catholic girls supposed to have lots of kids?"

I prayed for them that night. Prayed that they would get hit by a bus. Not really, people! I prayed that they get a minor case of food poisoning. JUST KIDDING! I prayed that they just got pooped on by a bird on the way to an important meeting! Ha! Just kidding AGAIN! Ok, for real this time…I prayed that they would learn more effective communication strategies because I’m a decent human being.

“By choice or by design?”

By choice. We’ve never tried, so I don’t know if by desi…wait…WTF? Who asks somebody THAT? Ask the wrong person that and you might be forced to eat a knuckle sandwich. Doubtful. They’ll just wait to laugh about how ridiculous you are behind your back because…well…TRUTH.

“But, there's gonna be kids there?” (in regards to events where kids are included)

What they are really thinking or want to say about us is, “they obviously hate kids (or they think kids are annoying) because they don’t have any,” which means they must not know us at all and also means I don’t want to get to know anymore about them.

“My niece/daughter/granddaughter and her husband say they’re not gonna have kids either. I don’t understand people’s priorities these days.”

By people, you mean “me.” You asked. I shared. If me not having children offends you, stranger/friend/relative/acquaintance, maybe there’s something you need to work out with yourself.

The REASON

Is it…

Vanity

No, if my brother or sister would want a surrogate, I would gladly bake a lil' bun for them.

Bad Childhood

My childhood was wonderful. I loved being tucked in every night, being read to, played with, genuinely cared for when I was sick. The only thing my mom knew for sure she wanted in life was to be a mom. I admire that and the sacrifices she made.

Desire

BINGO! This is it! I simply do not have the desire to have children. You read ALL that jibber jabber just to get to this. Some of you are thinking, “No! There has to be more.” That's it. Really.

My Truth

I have children in my life and they bring me immense joy – they just don’t happen to be mine. I do know a deep, true love. I’m not immune to the desire to care for other living creatures. I am fiercely in love with my nephew. His parents have included me in his life from the moment he made his debut into the world. I’m so grateful because it is so satisfying to be a PANK (professional aunt, no kids). I experience genuine happiness, sadness, and worry along with my mother-friends because I love them and their littles. And, just as there are women out there with zero to little maternal instinct with children, there are also women with maternal instinct who choose not to have children.

We’re blessed to have a strong support system. I know some child-free couples feel they have been pushed out of their friends’ lives. Most of our friends and family respect our decision and continue to include us in their families’ lives (birthday parties, games, vacations). It took my first mentor in sales years to be convinced I was serious about remaining child-free. One of the last times we ever talked about it, he said, "Honey, I know you don't want to have kids. I hope this doesn't offend you, but I really want to tell you that if you and Seth do not have kids, I believe you're doing the world a disservice." It was one of the greatest compliments I've ever received. He was the silliest guy - was rarely ever serious. It didn't change my mind, but it sure did touch my heart.

To all the other anomalous people out there, remember...anytime anyone steps outside the status quo, attention and criticism will be present. I'm aware there are some who question our decision…relatives, clients, co-workers, strangers on a plane? They may second guess it, but we don’t! My husband and I are genuinely happy people with no regrets:) We love the life we’ve built together.

Jen Kirkman says it best:

“It's a weird thing society puts on us women. They tell us we can have careers (well, after they told us we could vote-they sort of said it would be ok if we wanted to have a career, as long as we agree to get paid less than a man for the same job), and then they tell us that we aren't real women if we have careers but no babies, and if we dare pick a career over a baby...we better at least talk about that career like its a baby in order to blend in and not call attention to the fact that we're selfish women who are not carrying on the human race.”